You are the system.
She is not the codebase.

INCIDENT: [one line — what happened, when]

TIMELINE:
- [t-1h] What was the state of the system before? (your stress, her stress, what was happening that day)
- [t-0] What was the spark? (literal sentence or moment)
- [t+5min] How did it escalate?
- [t+15min] When did one or both of you flood?
- [t+30min..hours] How did it end? Repair? Withdrawal?

ROOT CAUSE: [the actual underlying cause — almost never the surface trigger. e.g. 'spark was dishes, root cause was 3 weeks of accumulated unspoken mental-load resentment']

WHAT WORKED: [moments of good behavior — a real repair attempt, a successful self-regulation, a soft response]

WHAT FAILED: [specific moves either of you made that escalated]

ACTION ITEMS (concrete, owned, dated):
1. [owner] [thing] by [when]
2. ...

BLAMELESS: this document is not used as evidence in future fights. It's a learning artifact only.

How to use: Do this together, with a notebook between you. Not in bed. Coffee or a walk. Goal is shared understanding, not assigning fault. If it starts becoming a re-fight, table it — you're not ready yet.

# README

## Things I'm working on
[your honest list — 'being less defensive when called out', 'noticing bids', 'reducing phone use after work']

## Things that hurt me (so you know)
[your list — things that land hard for you, often legacy. 'when you compare me to your ex', 'when I'm not consulted on decisions affecting both of us', etc.]

## Things I appreciate from you
[trait-level — 'your patience with my mom', 'the way you remember names', etc.]

## Our shared values
[short list: kids first, no contempt, weekly time alone together, etc.]

## House rules
[concrete: no phones at dinner, repair within 24h, etc.]

## Open issues
[things you both know need a real conversation but haven't had it. listed openly. Aim to retire 1/month.]

How to use: Re-read together every quarter. The act of re-reading shifts both your behavior more than the content itself. Don't write it in one sitting — let it grow. If it ever feels prescriptive ('YOU should do X') instead of declarative ('I notice X about myself'), edit toward declarative.

## Threat actors (the things that kill long-term partnerships)
1. Contempt (Gottman's #1 predictor)
2. Untreated addiction
3. Affair
4. Untreated mental illness in one partner
5. Major financial blowup
6. Loss of child / major bereavement
7. Career-driven separation (one partner working away)
8. Kid arrival (the 4-year-postpartum slump)
9. Aging parents / sandwich-generation crunch
10. Slow accumulation of contempt via mental-load resentment

## For each, score:
- Likelihood (1-5)
- Impact (1-5)
- Current defense (what you actively have)
- Defense gap (what you don't)

## Action items
Top 3 defense gaps → concrete plan to close.

## Fire drills
Which threats would you not know what to do about in the first 24h? Build a runbook now.

How to use: Do this ALONE first, then optionally share what you want with her. Some threats are too sensitive to threat-model out loud (e.g., 'what if you cheated') — that's fine, model them privately.

DECISION: [the thing decided]
DATE: [yyyy-mm-dd]
STATUS: [active | superseded | revisit-by-yyyy-mm-dd]

CONTEXT:
[what was true at the time. What were the constraints? What were each of your needs? What was the time horizon?]

OPTIONS CONSIDERED:
1. [option A — pros / cons]
2. [option B — pros / cons]
3. [option C — pros / cons]

DECISION:
[which option, in plain language]

RATIONALE:
[why this one — the load-bearing argument]

CONSEQUENCES:
[what we expect to happen, what we accept, what we forfeit]

REVISIT TRIGGER:
[what would make us re-open this — a job offer, a kid milestone, a 2-year sunset]

How to use: The act of writing forces clarity. The revisit-trigger is the most important field — most couples re-fight decisions because they didn't write down when to reconsider. Use specifically for: housing, fertility/kid timing, career bets, big purchases, parenting philosophy. Not for what's-for-dinner.

1. I FEEL [emotion — not thought]
   ✓ 'I feel hurt' / 'I feel anxious' / 'I feel disrespected'
   ✗ 'I feel like you don't care' (that's a thought, not a feeling)

2. ABOUT [specific situation — not character]
   ✓ 'about what happened in the kitchen this morning'
   ✗ 'about how you always ___'

3. I NEED [specific positive request — not a negation]
   ✓ 'I need you to check with me before inviting your mom over'
   ✗ 'I need you to stop being so thoughtless'

How to use: Drill this when calm. Use it cold when it matters. The hardest part is the I-FEEL: most guys default to I-THINK. If you can't name the feeling, take 5 more minutes before starting.

🐛 I keep stonewalling.

1. 01

   if You shut down or go blank mid-conversation regularly

   then Check: is your heart rate >100 bpm in those moments? Smartwatch or pulse-check. If yes, you're flooded. Stonewalling is the symptom; flooding is the bug.

2. 02

   if You're flooded (HR >100)

   then Pre-agree a signal with her now (while calm). 'I'm flooded, 20 min' — and you LEAVE. Don't try to reason while flooded; the prefrontal cortex is offline.

3. 03

   if You used the signal and left

   then Use the 20 min: cold water on face, walk outside, NO ruminating. Then come back regulated and reopen.

4. 04

   if You can't reach the signal because you're already shut down

   then Train it. Practice the script in role-play with her. Repetition installs it as a reflex.

5. 05

   if She experiences the signal as abandonment

   then Bug in the protocol — add 'I'll be back in 20 min and we'll finish this' to the script. The promise is what makes it secure attachment, not avoidance.

🐛 I keep jumping to fix things.

1. 01

   if You start formulating solutions while she's still talking

   then First step: just NOTICE. The fact that you're aware of it puts you 70% of the way to fixing it.

2. 02

   if You catch yourself solving prematurely

   then Out-loud: 'wait, am I supposed to be fixing this or listening?' Most women will say 'listening.' She'll appreciate the meta-question.

3. 03

   if You can't tell whether she wants fixing or listening

   then Default to listening for 3+ exchanges. If she wants fixing she will explicitly ask 'what should I do?' Without that, listen.

4. 04

   if You feel anxious while NOT fixing

   then That anxiety is the bug. Sit with it. It will pass. The work is teaching your nervous system that listening IS doing something.

🐛 I missed her bid this morning and now she's quiet.

1. 01

   if You realize within minutes

   then Repair fast. 'Hey, you said something about [X] earlier and I was on my phone — what did you want to show me?'

2. 02

   if You realize hours later

   then Still repair. 'I think I missed when you said [X] this morning. I was distracted. Tell me about it now.' Late repair is still repair.

3. 03

   if You don't even know what the bid was

   then 'I think I missed something this morning — what was going on?' Honest > performed-remembering.

4. 04

   if This is the third missed bid this week

   then You're in a pattern. Install the 11pm bid sweep (daily hack). After 14 days the recall rate improves and the in-the-moment catch rate follows.

🐛 Our arguments always spiral into 'every grievance ever.'

1. 01

   if You're in a spiraling fight right now

   then Stop. Say out loud: 'we're spiraling. Can we pick ONE thing to finish?' Force the conversation to land somewhere.

2. 02

   if She brings up a past grievance during a current one

   then Don't dismiss it. 'You're right, we never finished that. Can we put it on the list and come back to it?' Honor it; don't relitigate it now.

3. 03

   if You can't tell if a past grievance is 'fair to bring up' or not

   then If it's unrepaired, it's fair. The fix is to schedule the actual repair conversation, not to fight about whether it should be raised.

4. 04

   if You keep ending up here despite trying to stay on topic

   then You have repair debt. Run a Saturday-morning postmortem on the top 3 unresolved fights. Close them deliberately. Spiraling will reduce dramatically.

🐛 She's stopped initiating affection / sex.

1. 01

   if This is a new shift (within last 3 months)

   then Don't ask 'why aren't you initiating' (gross). Instead: 'I miss feeling pursued by you sometimes — what's going on for you lately?'

2. 02

   if It's been gradual over years

   then Honest audit: how many bids of YOURS has she rejected in the past year (sexual or non-sexual)? Stopping initiation often follows a phase of being turned down. Stack of small rejections > one big shift.

3. 03

   if She's stressed (work, kids, health, family)

   then Desire follows safety follows bandwidth. Reduce her cognitive load first. Initiate non-sexual affection first (Gottman's affection ladder). Don't bypass the foreplay-of-the-rest-of-life.

4. 04

   if You suspect she's just not into it anymore

   then Therapy. Specifically a sex therapist (different from a couples therapist). The longer the gap, the harder solo work gets. This is a domain where professional help has a 10x ROI.

🐛 I answered the literal question and she sighed.

1. 01

   if She said 'I'm fine' / 'It's nothing' / 'Do whatever'

   then You hit an off-by-one. These are pointers, not values. Dereference: 'You don't sound fine. I'm here if you want to talk, no pressure.'

2. 02

   if She asked a question that seemed practical but felt loaded

   then Pattern: she asked about logistics ('did you call your mom?') but the question is actually about something else ('do you remember our family stuff or do I have to?'). Answer the question, then say 'is there something else on your mind about that?'

3. 03

   if You really did answer correctly and she's still upset

   then Tell her you can see she's upset, ask gently. Don't defend 'but I DID what you asked.' That's defensiveness — fourth horseman.